Nostalgia.

Nostalgia is a bitch they say. I never understood what that meant until we stopped being who we were and became who we are right now. We are still us, the same people alright. But it doesn’t feel like the times are the same, obviously because things changed. But what things? Because I don’t remember there ever being a ‘thing’. Well, not anything that we acknowledged of course. You know what’s weird though, that nostalgia hits every single night, every damn sundown. And yeah, it does hurt like a bitch.

Remember the little game the PE teacher made us play back in school where we had to take a step forward for every ‘Yes’ to his questions? Yeah, I think that was our game. The only difference being that we weren’t in the same line like back in the day, we were at opposite ends of the court. We asked the questions, we answered the questions and we took the steps too. I guess I just didn’t realise the moment when I stopped asking them and just stayed in the game for you, but apparently you played by the rules only skipping the one that said you couldn’t skip mine.

Of course I do not understand, I never do to be honest. It’s funny, it doesn’t even make me mad anymore. I wasn’t even surprised when I realised I was halfway past the court by the time I saw that I had no audience, not even you. The game had ended, just like that, broken rules and well not broken but a slightly dented heart. So what are the rules now? Because I never made them, I only played to your tune. I told you I do not like games, half because I do not understand them and the other obvious half being that I somehow always lose.

I remember watching the sun go down together, swaying legs and beating hearts, we were never great talkers. Contrary to Harry’s beliefs, comfortable silence is so not over-rated. I liked the quiet with you, I liked that you just held my hand and didn’t kiss me when the sun went down. Kisses really weren’t our thing either, we were weird that way. Kindred spirits I called us, because we definitely weren’t soulmates. You didn’t understand my words, you said they weren’t made for you but you know what you said after though? You said you only listened to them because maybe I was made for you. You fucking bastard, always with the charm.

I’m still smiling writing this, I’m not mad and that kind of makes me mad if it makes any sense. I thought you meant something to me, that I owed you that sense of  togetherness. But turns out that I couldn’t have been more mistaken, you were okay on your own. You weren’t going to be my next charity case, and I definitely didn’t need one since I wished I could be someone’s myself. Even the thought of you makes me restless, only because I thought I’d let myself go again. I’m so glad I stayed sane, and I’m so glad you were way above my usual crazy dominoes. I call them dominoes because they always end up face down, never disappoint – not once.

I don’t think it’s you that I miss, I think it’s the way it felt to have what we had. I don’t know how it feels to you, specially with changed priorities but I feel a sense of emptiness. There is a space. Don’t get me wrong though, it isn’t uncomfortable or anything, it’s just very noticeable. My brain isn’t empty at the end of the day anymore, so many thoughts, so many many words. It’s hard to fall asleep knowing that you wouldn’t hold me for the same reasons, even if you did it would probably be because you were just too scared of a cold bed. It feels weird knowing that I’m probably not the last person you talk to anymore, definitely not the first person for sure.

You told me you had never been happier, I told you that it scared the hell out of me. You told me that you needed this, I told you that all I wanted to do was run away. You told me that I felt like home, I told you that it felt like a fucking storm. The day you knocked on my door at 3am, asking me if everything was alright; I swear to God I felt everything come crashing down. The irony of it all, our god-damned hearts. I hate your flannel shirts, I hate your stupid blue beads and I hate your stupid hugs that I never could resist. And you know what else I hate? I hate how you made me feel.

I let you in right at the time that you walked me out, I didn’t know and neither did you. I guess I lost my charm the day I held your hand before you held mine, you see, that was so not me and obviously you noticed. I watched you from across the table, smiling and talking just the same but your eyes wandered. It wasn’t other girls that caught your eye, it was just another life; a different future. You didn’t ask me if I’d written anything in my book anymore, you didn’t even tell me if you wrote anything in yours. I didn’t need to tell you the words that heartened me that day or the next or another, because I knew you didn’t care.

I’m not saying that you didn’t care about me anymore, because of course you did and you showed it too. You just didn’t care about us, the idea of us that you had planted yourself. You made extra effort, you brought home cake every Thursday, you tried almost too hard. The fact that even now I can’t just write a sentence and be done with it without going into an elaborate explanation just so you don’t misunderstand says a lot I think. We were never meant to be, just two lonely souls clinging to one another till the phase passed. It’s unfortunate though that yours passed sooner, and I’m still here trying to grab onto whatever little of it is left.

But you know what the hardest part of it all is? That it was all for nothing. My days are the same, actually better but the nights are just a little too long. You’re being so brave and pushing away, and you’re doing such a great job at it that’s it’s almost impossibly perfect. It’s not my Skype that rings when something is going on anymore, it’s just the door to your room that closes behind you. I still need to talk to you though, you don’t realize that and even if you do – you turn away. I don’t need you to be my wall, I need you to just let me be your shadow. I don’t need your cuddles anymore, because I sleep in your empty shirts these days.

You’ve let us slip too far, I let you do it but only after I tried clinging onto your shirt every damn night. But now I don’t feel the connection anymore either, honestly I’m starting to doubt if we ever even had one. Maybe all we had were your empty words, the castles you built in the air, making me its delusional princess. I am not going to give you peace by denying the hurt, I am not going to be a liar just because you thought it was okay to be one. I’m just going to let you go, just as easily as I let you in. That’s always been your specialty with me, hasn’t it? You get what you want, a little too easily. The room is empty once more, my bags are packed and unfortunately enough, so is my little heart.

My Dream Catcher.

I look back at the footprints I’ve left behind,
They’ve gotten stronger, harder, somehow more defined.
What were once dragging feet, crawling knees & a slumped body,
Now stand firm with another pair beside.

I remember pulling along so many anchors,
Anchors of iron, so heavy, hooked to my bones with heavier chains.
I was chased by a wolf, into darkness, into darker despair,
Only to be rescued by a dream, by a mesmerizing catcher!

I remember falling through you, falling right in,
A sigh of relief escaping my dry, scabbed lips.
The knowledge of having been rescued, ringing in my ears,
I looked back as cool breeze hit my burning bare back..

My dreamcatcher!

So inconspicuous, so pristine, so silent & still..
Just swaying in the wind, with all the metal lying just beyond..
It was hard to believe how perfectly I fit into you, letting all fall away, fall behind..
What had once seemed unreachable, I was lying now, right in its arms.

I fall asleep everyday, to the sound of your voice..
Your poetry that you trace onto my skin, curling designs with your fingers.
I pretend to be asleep sometimes, just to hear you say things you wouldn’t say otherwise,
To hear you say me, say my name, say my heart,
Realizing them to no more be mine, too far gone to ever come back.

I thought I’d never write a love song again, thought I’d protect myself from people who do..
But here I am, today, unable to stop, unable to hold it in anymore.
Because some things need to be written about,
Words just flowing, a desire to just write, write about you.

Dream-catchers catch dreams they said, keep you safe from all evil,
I was running away from a nightmare myself, only to be caught by you..
So was I the dream, & you my catcher?
Or were you the dream I was chasing all along?

Maybe I thought I was running away from another, running from an infinity,
Not knowing, not even a hint, that I was probably running right at you, right where I belong.
Call this fate, call this destiny, just like your poem said,
We’re only fated to do things that we always wanted.

Those hazel eyes, that awkward smile, you say I make your breath catch.
You’ve no idea how many beats a day my heart skips, how many fluttering butterflies.
You’ve written me many, read to me some, so here it is my love,
My ode to you, to me, to us.. To something far beyond!

P. S. As we always have inside stories, here is one too. 😉

From Cather & Levi, to Whiskey & Rye,
Cake & Casserole, Jack & Sally, all the way to diagon alley,
This is our riddle, like one of your silly old country songs,
Only we know what they mean, to everyone else mere mumble stringed along. 😉

She, who’ll never be.

She may never be your’s,
May never be who you wish she’d be.

She may never be your leading light that shows the way,
But be the blinding darkness that engulfs & consumes your every sway.

She may never be the fire engine, swooping into your rescue.
But be the very fire that ignites the depths of your heart, spinning its beat askew.

She may never be your anchor, founding you into your stance.
But be the very wind that pulls you along, forced to keep rhythm to her dance.

She may never be the soothing warmth of your day,
But be the unsettling cold that chills your flesh & makes your bones rattle away.

She may never be the music that soothes you to sleep,
But be the big bang that jolts you awake from the stagnation you ohh so grudgingly keep.

She will hurl you into the unknown, push you against the tide,
Drown you in testing waters, but always by your stride.
She’s not meek nor mild nor gentle, definitely not some disappearing rime,
But she personifies dignity & elegance like she owns the goddamn time.

She’ll be the thunder, the storm, the fright,
The veiled mystery of a silent dark night.
She’ll be anything you wish not to see,
Because baby, that is who she chooses to be.