Nostalgia.

Nostalgia is a bitch they say. I never understood what that meant until we stopped being who we were and became who we are right now. We are still us, the same people alright. But it doesn’t feel like the times are the same, obviously because things changed. But what things? Because I don’t remember there ever being a ‘thing’. Well, not anything that we acknowledged of course. You know what’s weird though, that nostalgia hits every single night, every damn sundown. And yeah, it does hurt like a bitch.

Remember the little game the PE teacher made us play back in school where we had to take a step forward for every ‘Yes’ to his questions? Yeah, I think that was our game. The only difference being that we weren’t in the same line like back in the day, we were at opposite ends of the court. We asked the questions, we answered the questions and we took the steps too. I guess I just didn’t realise the moment when I stopped asking them and just stayed in the game for you, but apparently you played by the rules only skipping the one that said you couldn’t skip mine.

Of course I do not understand, I never do to be honest. It’s funny, it doesn’t even make me mad anymore. I wasn’t even surprised when I realised I was halfway past the court by the time I saw that I had no audience, not even you. The game had ended, just like that, broken rules and well not broken but a slightly dented heart. So what are the rules now? Because I never made them, I only played to your tune. I told you I do not like games, half because I do not understand them and the other obvious half being that I somehow always lose.

I remember watching the sun go down together, swaying legs and beating hearts, we were never great talkers. Contrary to Harry’s beliefs, comfortable silence is so not over-rated. I liked the quiet with you, I liked that you just held my hand and didn’t kiss me when the sun went down. Kisses really weren’t our thing either, we were weird that way. Kindred spirits I called us, because we definitely weren’t soulmates. You didn’t understand my words, you said they weren’t made for you but you know what you said after though? You said you only listened to them because maybe I was made for you. You fucking bastard, always with the charm.

I’m still smiling writing this, I’m not mad and that kind of makes me mad if it makes any sense. I thought you meant something to me, that I owed you that sense of  togetherness. But turns out that I couldn’t have been more mistaken, you were okay on your own. You weren’t going to be my next charity case, and I definitely didn’t need one since I wished I could be someone’s myself. Even the thought of you makes me restless, only because I thought I’d let myself go again. I’m so glad I stayed sane, and I’m so glad you were way above my usual crazy dominoes. I call them dominoes because they always end up face down, never disappoint – not once.

I don’t think it’s you that I miss, I think it’s the way it felt to have what we had. I don’t know how it feels to you, specially with changed priorities but I feel a sense of emptiness. There is a space. Don’t get me wrong though, it isn’t uncomfortable or anything, it’s just very noticeable. My brain isn’t empty at the end of the day anymore, so many thoughts, so many many words. It’s hard to fall asleep knowing that you wouldn’t hold me for the same reasons, even if you did it would probably be because you were just too scared of a cold bed. It feels weird knowing that I’m probably not the last person you talk to anymore, definitely not the first person for sure.

You told me you had never been happier, I told you that it scared the hell out of me. You told me that you needed this, I told you that all I wanted to do was run away. You told me that I felt like home, I told you that it felt like a fucking storm. The day you knocked on my door at 3am, asking me if everything was alright; I swear to God I felt everything come crashing down. The irony of it all, our god-damned hearts. I hate your flannel shirts, I hate your stupid blue beads and I hate your stupid hugs that I never could resist. And you know what else I hate? I hate how you made me feel.

I let you in right at the time that you walked me out, I didn’t know and neither did you. I guess I lost my charm the day I held your hand before you held mine, you see, that was so not me and obviously you noticed. I watched you from across the table, smiling and talking just the same but your eyes wandered. It wasn’t other girls that caught your eye, it was just another life; a different future. You didn’t ask me if I’d written anything in my book anymore, you didn’t even tell me if you wrote anything in yours. I didn’t need to tell you the words that heartened me that day or the next or another, because I knew you didn’t care.

I’m not saying that you didn’t care about me anymore, because of course you did and you showed it too. You just didn’t care about us, the idea of us that you had planted yourself. You made extra effort, you brought home cake every Thursday, you tried almost too hard. The fact that even now I can’t just write a sentence and be done with it without going into an elaborate explanation just so you don’t misunderstand says a lot I think. We were never meant to be, just two lonely souls clinging to one another till the phase passed. It’s unfortunate though that yours passed sooner, and I’m still here trying to grab onto whatever little of it is left.

But you know what the hardest part of it all is? That it was all for nothing. My days are the same, actually better but the nights are just a little too long. You’re being so brave and pushing away, and you’re doing such a great job at it that’s it’s almost impossibly perfect. It’s not my Skype that rings when something is going on anymore, it’s just the door to your room that closes behind you. I still need to talk to you though, you don’t realize that and even if you do – you turn away. I don’t need you to be my wall, I need you to just let me be your shadow. I don’t need your cuddles anymore, because I sleep in your empty shirts these days.

You’ve let us slip too far, I let you do it but only after I tried clinging onto your shirt every damn night. But now I don’t feel the connection anymore either, honestly I’m starting to doubt if we ever even had one. Maybe all we had were your empty words, the castles you built in the air, making me its delusional princess. I am not going to give you peace by denying the hurt, I am not going to be a liar just because you thought it was okay to be one. I’m just going to let you go, just as easily as I let you in. That’s always been your specialty with me, hasn’t it? You get what you want, a little too easily. The room is empty once more, my bags are packed and unfortunately enough, so is my little heart.

This one girl.

I can’t say it was love at first sight, I can’t even say I liked her the moment I met or saw her, because honestly I don’t even remember. I don’t really remember much of our first years together, but I remember being happy, carefree & just curious.

I was with her when she met mumma & papa for the first time, when she took her very first steps, when she tasted food for the very first time. I was with her through all her firsts, but honestly they’re all just hazy memories.

I remember being there when she first started dancing, being there for her very first standing ovation. I watched her write her very first poem, a simple 10 liner about the sun, she was 7 maybe. She made birthday cards for everyone because she loved drawing & colouring stuff. I wish I’d kept some of her work to show her now, every time she doubts herself, just to show her how wonderful she has been.

She bossed people around all through her teens even back in school when she was much younger. They called her the ‘Gang leader’. She loved all the attention, she knew she commanded it with her persona. I watched people failing to ignore her, she just was so out there! Every debate or seminar, every poetry or recitation, every drawing or collage making, every dancing or singing, every election or group task – there she was, always up for anything! Honestly, I personally thought she was extremely overbearing but chose to ignore it because people seemed to be impressed, they liked her, she’d so many friends.

She got her heart broken in high school, her very first heart break. No it wasn’t a boy, it was her best friend. She got defensive, she pushed her out & surrounded herself with even more people. She didn’t want to show people that anyone could hurt her, she wasn’t weak or dependent, also she had an ego. I knew this would be her very first mistake, because this was the worst defense strategy anyone could ever employ but I chose not to push it on her, I let her do her stuff.

The next few years were full of heartbreak, no boys here either, just girls going through their mean phase. She folded into herself each time it happened, I saw her curl up each time. It broke my heart to watch her look so scared, scared of nothing but people. She could handle anything, but people just got to her. I saw her try time & again, put herself out there & pull right back in. She didn’t sing or dance onstage anymore, but she didn’t stop either, she sang to herself, she danced in the shower or when she was alone. She just didn’t want to give people a chance to judge her, since she knew the authenticity of the applause was no more relevant.

The worst mistake I made was to let her out on her own, let her just daze through life pushing everyone away. I let her work her way through all these mazes of adulthood, I thought I should let her be, let her take care of herself & let her learn. I let her deal with her first actual heartbreak, I let her spiral out of control. She was 21, I didn’t realise she was too young to hold it all together. I forgot that people were her weakness, I watched her almost destroy herself. But just when I thought I’d lost her, she’d cling on, desperately wanting to be there irrespective of how or where, she just wanted to be there, just exist.

That’s when I realised she needed me, not as a mere spectator but she needed me to take control. The li’l girl was still there, but she’d faded to a mere reflection of who she used to be. Was it a choice? Maybe. She was over laden with insecurities, helpless & grabbing onto anything in desperation on her way down. Maybe everyone has been there at some point in their lives, but this was hers, as hard as it was, it was her battle to fight.

That’s when I took her hand, pulled her right back up. I took care of her like I’d take care of my own daughter. She needed to be fed, she needed to be dressed well, she needed to travel & see the world, she needed to be shown how pretty she was, how magical her hands were with words, to be appreciated for who she was & not for who she could be for someone else. I only had to draw out a map for her, she was up & about making it a journey. A journey she traced all by herself, each step taken so carefully just for herself. I’m not going to say she went back to being exactly herself because she didn’t, how could she? She grew out of it, she grew beautifully, she grew into someone I’m so proud of today. It took her all her life to be who she is today, her journey isn’t complete but she’s on her way & she knows where she’s going or atleast where she wants to be.

This girl whose metamorphosis I witnessed every second of her life, who I watched get through all of her tears & that of others as well, through all the smiles & laughter, the one who pushed & pulled & grappled with everything that came her way, this girl deserved everything I gave her.. She deserves a lot more & I’m going to do my very best to give her everything she deserves & dreams of..

This girl I’m so in love with right now, is Me – with a capital ‘M’ – because she is important. Don’t ever think, even for a second, that you know her – because you don’t, & sometimes neither do I. She’s the only one who knows her story, her side of it. And one thing I’m sure of, this girl – this is going to be my ‘Happily Ever After’. 😊

She, who’ll never be.

She may never be your’s,
May never be who you wish she’d be.

She may never be your leading light that shows the way,
But be the blinding darkness that engulfs & consumes your every sway.

She may never be the fire engine, swooping into your rescue.
But be the very fire that ignites the depths of your heart, spinning its beat askew.

She may never be your anchor, founding you into your stance.
But be the very wind that pulls you along, forced to keep rhythm to her dance.

She may never be the soothing warmth of your day,
But be the unsettling cold that chills your flesh & makes your bones rattle away.

She may never be the music that soothes you to sleep,
But be the big bang that jolts you awake from the stagnation you ohh so grudgingly keep.

She will hurl you into the unknown, push you against the tide,
Drown you in testing waters, but always by your stride.
She’s not meek nor mild nor gentle, definitely not some disappearing rime,
But she personifies dignity & elegance like she owns the goddamn time.

She’ll be the thunder, the storm, the fright,
The veiled mystery of a silent dark night.
She’ll be anything you wish not to see,
Because baby, that is who she chooses to be.