Four Words.

“What was I thinking?”,
the only four words that resonated each time.
Each time she caught her own reflection,
“That can’t be right!”
Four words again, different yet the same.

Picking up the pieces, stringing all the pearls.
Washing off the mulch, untangling all her curls.
She had watched him walk away, never looking back.
Saying time and again, “I know you’ll be alright.”

She wasn’t looking for a fire, not even a spark.
He had raged a forest blaze, thick smoke & burning bark.
Unleashing demons, engulfing her in a daze,
She hadn’t seen any of this before, she just stood staring with those big brown eyes,
She was in awe, she was amazed.

Just like fireworks, she burnt all bright and pretty,
Little did she know that in the end, she would be nothing but mere ashes – just petty.
She had been just a muse, fulfilling his selfish eccentricities,
Just another one of his beautiful little poems, just another.. Just another!

How the pain seared right through her heart!
Each time she heard those words!
“Just another!”
She didn’t want to block it out though,
She wanted it to hurt, a reminder of a soulless raptor.
She laughed hysterically at the very same words,
Because,
He was also only ‘Just another!’

She had seen them before, she knew she would see them again,
He was a master of his trade, nothing mattered to him, no pain nor gain.
It was just a fetish of his, a greedy choice or maybe just a whim.
She was left with scars that would never heal,
The very same that added character to the woman she was yet to begin.

No more sunshine, sparkles and rainbows,
Years added to her personality, years taken away from her faith.
No more a girl, prancing around to show tunes, harbouring silly notions about love,
A woman who chose her music well, just soul and nothing more.

“I’ll walk away too, no emotions or regrets”, she told herself,
Each step she took, just to look back,
At the little notes, tucked away in a watch box, lying on the shelf.

“What was I thinking?”,
the only four words that resonated each time.
Four words again, different yet the same.

Random rambling.

Change.

Everyone changes with time, it’s inevitable, I personally have gone through major fights involving ‘Oh you have changed!!’. But now that I think about it, I don’t see the point of it all.  Isn’t that what life is about? I mean, we grow up – Change. We graduate – Change. We grow taller – Change. We meet new people – Change. This list can go on for ages but the point here is – What is all the hullabaloo about personality changes? Why can’t a person choose who or how he wants to be. They might stop believing in a lot of stuff, start believing in new things, might look at a lot of things a different way. Each moment that they are facing this ‘ever-changing’ world, their defense strategies and the way they react to things ought to change, else they are bound to get sucked into a state of uncertainty. where their very existence becomes a big question mark.

There are so many kinds of people out there. All these words we use to generalize people like ‘extrovert’, ‘jolly’, ‘boring’, ‘fun’ etc. just seem so unfair. I mean, along the way, you end up judging each person based on the category that he is stereotyped into. Not even the person in question understands himself so fully, let alone an outsider who doesn’t live the life of the person he is trying to figure out. So, basically the point is to lay back and choose who you want to be but the more important point is to never choose who you want the other person to be, irrespective of the kind of relationship that you have with that person. You can never own a person. You can bring new life into this world. You can make another person the center of your universe. But that is your choice and your choice ends there.

I guess being an emotional person, having been brought up in an environment where everything and everyone mattered, your emotions are sometimes out of your grasp. It can be hard to not let something bother you. it is not like you want it to. But what I have come to understand is that not everything can be how you pictured it to be. The problem is that seeing even the slightest of changes in another person is very easy, it comes naturally almost but it’s really hard to recognize the changes in yourself let alone accept them. Sometimes, even the biggest of changes that we gradually inculcate into our personalities go unnoticed by ourselves because we never consciously put effort into every single thing happening with us. We get influenced by so many factors around us, small and sometimes incredibly big, some knowingly but most of the time unknowingly and there, my friend, is where the root cause lies.

You can never escape such things, you can only choose to make them less impacting. And there are rules to that,

1. Don’t expect change from others. Decide if the issue is worth changing yourself for or just ignore and let time do it’s thing.
2. Don’t react on an impulse and jump to conclusions. If you already have then it’s probably time to take a break from all the excessive analysis and thinking.
3. Err…….

Okay, halfway through that I realized I was just rambling on like some ‘wise guru’ whereas I consider myself a ’emo-wreck’. So, let’s drop the ‘I know what I am saying and you can trust me’ façade and get “normal”. If you are expecting a solution to this from me by the end of this post, then you will be disappointed. This is just how I look at it, this is what I have figured out (hopefully.) but I don’t think any of us will ever reach a point where we will remain unaffected by another person. We will always weave strings of attachment, of hope, of expectations, of faith in others. After all, we are a species that thrives on it’s social relations. So, that is it! Everyone goes through these phases but just like my mom says to every problem that I tell her about – ‘It will pass’. That is the easiest ‘first-level’ solution to every problem. Try this and when this doesn’t work we will probably move onto the next level. But then again, when will u know when to move onto the next level…… Errrr….. So there you go!

Questions, questions and more questions! Life.